Support for Trauma Survivors and Loved Ones: Helpful Tips
- Lehandra Riley
- Apr 8
- 4 min read
How do I support a loved one affected by trauma?
It can be a very daunting experience when our loved ones disclose a traumatic event or experience that happened to them. In these situations it is important to become aware of our own feelings and how what has been disclosed affects those feelings. Often times our response towards our trauma-affected loved one can do more harm than good, no matter how good our intentions are or how much we love and adore this person.
Here are a few tips on how to support loved ones who are affected by trauma:
It is important to remember that all of us are unique. We all experience life through different lenses and points of view, which depend on our life experience and frame of reference. Trauma is therefore a very subjective and unique experience for each individual. There is no one-size-fits-all cookie-cutter approach when it comes to trauma and trauma recovery. What comes easy for one person may be difficult for another.
Therefore, it is important to not compare your own experiences with another and expect others to react and respond similarly to yourself. Accept that everyone is on their own unique journey.
Be gentle, patient, and understanding. Trauma survivors are often very hard on themselves, especially when they act or behave in ways they do not like. Many trauma survivors blame themselves and feel guilty about past, present, and future events.
Communicate your feelings, needs, and boundaries as kindly as possible. This will help your loved one with regulation and building of trust. By doing this you are also teaching them how to communicate in the same healthy way.
Allow space for your loved one to just be. Do not expect trauma survivors to behave or act as those unaffected by trauma do. Remember trauma (especially childhood trauma) informs how the trauma survivor experiences the world. The process of trauma recovery helps reframe the lens of the trauma survivor; however, this takes time, and every day is different.
Be as consistent as possible. Often trauma survivors also have to deal with issues of abandonment and instability alongside the trauma they suffered. It is important for trauma survivors to have a soft place to fall and a good support system that is there for them consistently. Trauma survivors need to learn how to trust and rely on others after the traumatic experiences they have endured. Inconsistency and instability can hinder this process and impede the healing journey of the trauma survivor. It can also reaffirm the potentially damaging beliefs they have about themselves, e.g., “Everyone leaves me, or I will never feel safe.”
What can we do if we are affected by trauma?
Firstly, it is important to know that there are options available to help us on our journey towards wellness and trauma recovery. Entering into counselling sessions with a practitioner who is trained in trauma-informed approaches can be of incredible value in helping facilitate our journey and speed up the recovery process.
Taking stock of our wellness in a holistic way and screening our wellness over all areas, e.g., physical, emotional, spiritual, etc., is a helpful way to identify our strengths and areas for development or areas we find challenging. Once we know where we find ourselves holistically, it is easier to find a place to start the healing process.
Take it moment by moment. Healing does not happen overnight. It is important to be patient with yourself and trust the process.
Regulate yourself as often as possible. Regulation refers to moving from hyper- or hypo-arousal into your window of tolerance. In other words, we want to feel balanced (homeostasis), not under or over stimulated.
Be curious and open to the process of change. It is important to challenge yourself by exposing yourself to new knowledge outside of your comfort zone. The fear zone is an expected bridge to cross between the comfort and growth zones. Therefore, it is natural to feel uncomfortable and resist the process to a certain extent. However, it is important to remember that small, consistent steps eventually lead to big changes. You can read more on how to move from the comfort to the growth zone here.
Find your own unique recovery process. Everyone’s trauma recovery process differs; therefore, approaches towards healing and recovery will vary from person to person. Try different approaches and sources when researching and learning about the trauma recovery process. Try various approaches until you find ones that work for you. Keep what is useful and discard what does not serve you.
Above all, it is very important to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves permission to just be as we are. The trauma recovery process is a difficult one and takes time. Each day looks different based on various factors. It is important to have a holistic picture of your daily well-being and only do what you can within your capacity at a given time.
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